You know, I am so scared of hating it there. I really, really want to love my summer there- because it is my country.
The problem is that I feel like I have never been patriotic about anything, and I really want to be patriotic about something. I never have school pride, or Texan pride, or Houston Pride, or even American or Pakistani pride. I am never too excited about pep rallies, where you cheer one school/team and boo the other. It seems really silly to me. And I really think that if America became a dictatorship tomorrow, I would not mind moving to another country and making it my home.
I do not know what is wrong with me.
But I realized that for me, people and ideologies matter more. When I went to Emory to see my friends, I actually did not have the desire to go back to see my dorm, or classrooms, or anything. I was more interested in seeing my friends, and people I care about. Even I was surprised by this desire of not longing for a place simply because it is familiar.
This realization about myself scares me a lot. What if I hate the ideologies of Pakistani community? Don't get me wrong, I will always love the family I have there, and I will always love Pakistani food, and clothing. But what if the community is simply so ignorant or the ideologies simple so unaligned with my ideologies, that I cannot imagine being able to think or understand that manner of living? I am aware that an entire community cannot be judged due to some experiences, but I am worried about a prevalent ideology that you are forced to think about constantly.
For example, my friend was telling me how she wore jeans and a long shirt in the airport when going to Pakistan, and people were staring at her, and one lady even asked her to wear a scarf around her neck. I do not know, but I really cannot understand that concept. I mean what is so wrong with wearing a long shirt and jeans? Why is it that showing your ankle, or even your calf, or your elbow, or a little bit of your shoulder, such a bad thing? Why do people often think that the clothing you wear is a reflection of your being?
I know that you can tell a lot about a person's ideology by their clothing. If a person is fully covered, then generally they are probably conservative in their thinking as well. And if you see a woman in a headscarf- you can probably guess a little about her political views, and how they would be different from someone in a bikini. However, I would like to emphasize that that is not always the case.
I mainly wear very conservative clothing- no skirts without tights no matter how long, no shoulder showing at all, all my shirts are at least half sleeved, and yet my ideologies are relatively very liberal.
Just a random fyi: I am experimenting a bit with my conservative clothing and trying new things these days- because I think that I made up some rules a long time ago about what parts of my body to cover up, but I cannot seem to remember the logic behind the rules currently. And plus- wearing tights underneath a dress that is only about 5-6 inches shy of touching my ankles seems kind of silly!
But I am talking about what clothing says about your being. And the answer to that should be nothing. What I wear does not tell you whether I am a good or bad person at heart.
I know that sounds crazy- because clothing is supposed to be an expression of self. When dressing up- I think like an artist, who is putting something on a palette. And what comes on the palette of an artist is generally a reflection of their personality.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I would hate it if someone told me to cover up (by putting on a scarf for example), because not putting on the scarf does not make me a "bad," person, and by me not wearing a scarf, I should not be labeled as someone without culture or modesty. The definition of modesty has to be something personal. When religious books say be modest- I honestly take that to mean wearing enough clothing where you feel comfortable, and where you feel that your clothing is meant to represent your self, and where you are not wearing clothing with the sole purpose of seduction.
But I gained another perspective when I had a discussion with a friend about this topic a while ago, where I was afraid of people judging me because of what I was wearing. She said that you should dress not only according to what makes you comfortable but also according to the environment or area that you are in. Her perspective is that how you look does create an image of you, whether you like it or not.
I hate to admit it- but she is right. Plus, I would not want to insult a culture by wearing clothing that would offend someone.
But the thought seems a little silly to me. Is it a requirement of society that we wear different masks according to where we are? Should I not be allowed to "be myself," wherever I am? Shouldn't people give me the benefit of the doubt- and get to know me and my thoughts before judging me simply due to my clothing?
And now I will say something that will make me sound like a hypocrite: I will be wearing conservative clothing in Pakistan. There are several reasons for this:
- First of all, unfortunately, I really do not want my relatives to hate me or judge me. I want them to at least give me a chance. I have felt like I am really missing a part of me because I was away from my family. I want to be a part of my extended family- not just a random visitor.
- I really want to fit in there, and feel like I belong there. Is it so terrible to want to belong to a place where you are supposed to belong?
- I also really do not want to get kidnapped because I obviously do not look like a Pakistani.
- Of course, these are my preconceived notions of the society, but I really do not want to have to defend myself there in front of some crazy extremist Muslim who thinks that even showing my cheek or eye is against Islam.
Can it be possible that genetics defines how liberal you are? I know that seems like a silly question, but I am having such a hard time imagining an alternate reality where due to my environment, my ideology is very, very conservative. I suppose I am quite arrogant in my thinking, but to me- very very conservative ideology just seems logically wrong. How can someone argue that a woman (and only women), should cover her entire body, including her eyes, nose, and mouth? How does that make any logical sense? I mean- sure- eyes are beautiful, and often people do fall in love with the eyes of a person, but to use that to imply that all eyes of all women should be covered up seems like a fallacy. I think people often use the shelter of religion to justify thoughts that cannot make sense.
However, I think God created beauty in humankind on purpose, and that beauty of humankind should not be hidden because of the fear that someone might find beauty in this object, which inherently is meant to be beautiful by God.
Often, I look at a friend of mine, and say, hey- she has such a beautiful smile, or really nice teeth, or really pretty hair. That smile, or beauty in the hair of my friend is just another thing that reminds me of the beauty of God and his creation. So how can God desire for me to not find beauty in something He created?
I guess what I learned from this blog is that I am very confused about a lot of the issues of dressing- and that I should probably spend more time in sorting out my thoughts. :)
I hope you all are having a great week. I have a very busy few days ahead of me, with finals and everything.
But I really missed writing, and this issue was something that I could not simply ignore while studying for my finals...
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