Titanic Newb

Hi!

I feels like it has been so long since I have written before. So I am very behind in updates.

I watched Titanic for the first time today in my life. I am not sure why I haven't watched it before. I guess I just never did. I know I watched the very ending- when I was 10, but in my mind, the story was very fuzzy. The elderly woman I imagined in my mind looked more like the aunt from Spider-man, and Jack actually let go of the raft so she could have a higher chance of living. I also remembered a very large boat that came to rescue Rosie in the ending. And I know it doesn't make sense, but I remember old Rosie looking at frozen Jack inside the boat. I do not know how my mind managed to create so much stuff up over the years.

I was very moved by the movie. I made me think a lot about human kind and death. How we grow up, and have dreams and desires to change the world, and leave a mark- but our lives can just as easily end as the life of a moth (did anyone catch the Virginia Woolf reference?). I think the part that shocked my mind the most was when the final part of the boat was sinking, and so many people were just falling- like furniture. A soul ended- dreams, memories, thoughts, love- everything about that person disappeared immediately into nothingness- as if they did not even exist. What can be the purpose of that life?

I thought also about the inventor of the boat, and of alcohol. How can a man continue to live life knowing that through his utter idiocy, so many people died? Is a human that capable? I doubt it. I feel like if I was responsible- I would not desire to live- and the agony and realization of my actions would haunt my every moment. In such a moment- if the courage to grasp death does not exist- then the only other alternative seems alcohol.

I am a firm believer of non-alcoholism- and of always being in control of my own thought. But the only thing I can imagine desiring from a life where I am responsible for so much loss is a tonic that can numb my mind, and alter it so that at least for a moment- maybe I might be able to forget- that at least for a moment- I might forgive.

Of course, the other alternative- one that requires even more courage is to try to atone for your errors. This alternative reminds me of Angel a lot. Angel is a show where a vampire gets a soul after hunting humans for 400 years (in case you haven't watched it). Although you can never undo the wrongdoings- you can try to do as much good as possible in the world so that at the time of death- maybe you can bring some peace to yourself. '

Until a circumstance such as this happens where you accidentally lead to the death of hundreds, it is impossible to determine which path someone would choose. As for me- I fear that I might not be strong enough to choose the last path and to live with that haunting pain for years- maybe my heart is too feeble.
In either case- I am most definitely hoping I never am faced with such a situation.