The Honest Awkwards

I guess I could not resist the urge to write.
I have been thinking and talking to a lot of my friends about conformity and protocol. It seems to make logical sense I guess. The general opinion seems to be that society works in a certain way, and it is not exactly conforming and losing your uniqueness if you decide to live within that system. What I mean by protocol is the meaning behind different gestures- where when someone says one thing, they actually mean something else, or rather simply certain expectations from people in society.
I find this to be an issue because it seems like there is double meaning behind every action. It is kind of frustrating- because it seems like a game with subtle hints. What frustrates me is that- why can I not communicate with a person with just honesty- just talk without a particular purpose?  And just because a person is talking to me in return- why does it have to imply anything?
There are some clear implications about our society due to the status quo. I think it means that we are afraid of being honest. I guess there is generally an ultimate goal of a conversation, and it is not "socially acceptable," to state that in the beginning. It seems like both parties want something generally from the other person, and both are aware of the other person's desire as well- but at the same time- we do not desire to admit it, and instead we prefer to keep guessing about every intention. There are several examples that come to mind in particular.
When a person I know was starting a new major project, his friend was very helpful, and did so much for him. And the whole time, the person I know could not figure out why the other person was helpful to him.
Another example is from Big Bang Theory, where a grad student was obsessed with Sheldon, and forced him to constantly do his work. She seemed like she just wanted to help him, because he was such a genius- but of course, she revealed in the end that she mainly wanted co-authorship in a paper he would write. 
And of course- the obvious example is generally of relationships- but the implications of that are obvious, so I would rather not discuss this topic.

And here in our conversation enter "awkward people." I think there is something very special about awkward people- because they defy the norm. They generally state things as is, and do not desire to play the intentions guessing game.
A perfect example of an awkward person action was seen in Beautiful Mind, a movie about the Economist John Nash. This is a perfect quote from the movie which describes exactly the topic: 
Nash to his girlfriend: "I find you attractive. Your aggressive moves toward me... indicate that you feel the same way. But still, ritual requires that we continue with a number of platonic activities...I am proceeding with these activities, but in point of actual fact, all I really want to do is have intercourse with you as soon as possible.

[pause] Are you gonna slap me now?"

You see- awkward people point out stuff that you are not "supposed" to point out. They realize that often social conventions do not have much logic in them. I have a lot of respect for people like that- because they always make me think about my actions. 

Another fun example is  something that one of my lab partners said. Unfortunately, I had forgotten my TA's name, and I did not want to be rude and not know his name. So I asked my lab partner if he could possible ask the TA's name. And  my lab partner replied- "why do you need to know his name. Just say- hey you, or something like that." It was such a priceless moment. 

 

But I am not so sure about which alternative I would choose. If we lived in a society without so much euphemism, and so many subtleties, and we were just honest all the time- I feel like I would not be strong enough to handle everyone telling me the truth about me. I guess this is another gray area in life- because there needs to be a balance of conformity, and uniqueness. 

On a random note: I was in physics lab with two awkward geniuses this Friday, and honestly- I felt so dumb- because they would discuss some complex physics thing, and then sit and ponder forever about it-while in my mind- I just tried to look cool as if I had any idea what they were talking about. I honestly remember thinking to myself- "what are they even thinking about?" 

Umm- I guess it is safe to say that physics is not my forte...

Summer Plans

I have been so busy these days, trying to figure school stuff out- and of course- dealing with regular drama, which seems a bit more heightened these days. Perhaps due to the end of the year?

This is the last week of classes, and next week I have three final exams- none of which I have begun to prepare for. Is it safe to say that I'm screwed? Colloquial language- but sends the message across better I think.

So I will stay away from blogging for at least a couple of days. But knowing me- I will probably end up writing a little bit anyways. Am I getting addicted to blogging?

On the bright side- I am leaving for Pakistan for the summer on May 10th.

I'm not sure I have mentioned it before, but I was born in Pakistan, and I actually moved to the US in September 2001. So this will be my first time going back. I am really excited, but I'm cautious as well. I want this summer to be a changing experience where I can discover who I really am as a Pakistani American, and also reconnect with my family. But I am going by myself in a "foreign" country, where I am afraid I might not be able to blend in well. I am fluent in Urdu (the national language of Pakistan), but the way I communicate with people in the US is through a mix of English and Urdu. I fear that I might not be able to speak Urdu entirely. And my dressing, my style, and manner of living, even my liberal opinions are issues I am very concerned about.

Will I change too much during the summer that I will not be able to be myself when I return? But what I am more worried about is not changing at all, or realizing really important things about life and society, but  not being able to implement change and find a balance between my old self and my new self, when I return. I think I am very much ready of a paradigm change. So this is my way of seeking it.

And am I too spoiled that I am really worried about stray animals, bugs, violence and electricity? I guess I do sound like a brat- but I am still concerned nonetheless. It will be difficult I think- but I hope I will turn into a better person due to the experience.

And I will most definitely be blogging during the summer. I am hoping to focus on sociological and philosophical perspectives during my travels, but I will probably also be tempted to share every detail of every day as well! ;)

The Impoverished: A Discussion

I spoke to a guy from Honduras today. I am sad to say that that is one of the most difficult conversations I have had. I had such a hard time understanding his English- and I think he had a hard time understanding me as well. It was altogether probably very frustrating to him. I felt bad for not being able to communicate better. And I never knew the Honduran accent was so difficult to understand.

So on to our topic today:
 
We have been listening to presentations in my sociology class about different issues in society- focusing on the city of Houston. My topic was on the achievement gap in the Houston ISD schools, and on whether the Apollo 20 program can breach this gap. (You should research the program- it is quite fascinating)

Looking at the demographics of the HISD schools, particularly the school we observed, what we found is that the majority of the students are African American or Hispanic (about 70%), while 80% of the school was living in poverty. The more I listened to the presentations, the more I realized how much injustice is taking place in the lives of these students.

First of all, considering that they live in poverty, their parents probably work multiple jobs and are not there majority of the day. Looking at the demographics of the African American society in particular- that consists of primarily single parents, and a higher than the national average birth rate. The possible implications of this are obvious- such as not having a parental figure available, and older kids taking care of younger kids. Along with this, we learned that the type of food available is also depends on the poverty and demographics of an area. So there are food deserts particularly in the areas where the HISD students live- meaning that they mainly have access to either convenient stores or fast food areas- neither of which provide a nutritious meal. And the implications of such malnutrition are that students are not able to be active in their daily lives (leading to potential obesity) and cannot fully focus on school work- because nutrition is an essential part of academic performance.

Along with these food deserts, what we also find is that there is a lack of music teachers and a lack of Latino teachers. Latino teachers in an environment where a majority of the population is Latino is helpful as a presentation mentioned because the students can connect better with their their teacher and have a role model they can look up to. Also, what is surprising to me is that you do not need to bilingual in the HISD district to get ESL certification. How are we expecting students to understand complex material if we do not have anyone who can actually communicate with them? And although there was not much data about the impact of demographics on music education, but my guess is that HISD schools do not focus on music education. This denies students with an outlet that can increase their self-esteem and also provide them with a way to reduce stress.

What was also frustrating was the issue of gentrification. It seems that gentrification is occurring, but it is not creating the results that I expected from the readings where impoverished people in the neighborhood benefit a lot from more affluent people moving nearby. It seems that slums in gentrified areas get left the way they were before. Some old homes are torn down to create better looking homes right near the older homes, with the improvement occurring mainly in the new and improved homes. And because of white flight, and a private school emphasis among more affluent communities, the children of the middle/upper class will probably attend either private school, or will take Advanced Placement and GT classes, continuing to be physically separated from the impoverished and the ethnic minorities. And gentrification still does displace many, and as the presentation mentioned- the services for the homeless are also quite inadequate, with several conservative rules preventing many from getting help.

Other issues that connect with the students is also how much of the city waste, and environmental pollution gets dumped in "poor" areas of the city, making the water, and the air unsafe.
It seems that overall, there are so many issues that are "punishing" the poor, and I really feel that more needs to be done to create more justice. With the issues mentioned, the result seems that students of the HISD district, particularly the Apollo 20 students, lack a proper home environment, due to a lack of food, good breathing environment, role models and parental figure, access to culture and music, understanding teachers, and access to diversity. The result of all these issues are clearly shown in the large achievement gap we observe, where the performances of these students are simply not up to par.

The method of closing the achievement gap in school is not simply something that can be done through better education. It takes a complete transformation of a person’s environment. And that means better teachers, teachers who not only teach better, but also those who can understand the students’ situation better. It also means more parental involvement, access to better food, resources, clothing, proper shelter and an overall feeling of safety.

I hope you enjoyed that- and were not bored... Am I interested in boring topics? I hope not- I do believe that these topics are worth reading about.

Ernst Hemingway: For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn

My six word story attempt:
"Once upon a time: The End."

Just a mini joke (but real) post. But really- Hemingway's six word story does exist. He actually said it was one of his best works.

A Quick Quote Response

A quick something I wrote as a response to the quote: The trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed.” – C.S. Lewis, writer:

Although it sounds prettier to imply that people often try to make themselves stupider- the reality is that often the world around you becomes so harsh that you forget your capabilities. You have a choice at that time, which is to either work really hard, harder than ever before, because you know you are capable of more, or to learn to believe that this is the limit to your capacity. By choosing the latter, you choose to make yourself stupider. A beautiful quote that applies to this situation is: “Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination,” by Marianne Williamson. If the quote is reality- then the greatest courage required in the world is to be able to reach this potential- a potential that we are often aware of- but allow ourselves to forget due to difficult environments. 

My Bar Buddies (Granola Bar, of course)

I think there must be something magical about granola bars. Every single time my mom has (I think accidentally) given me two granola bars- I have found someone who has mentioned that they either had or have a granola bar with them- and were craving one. It is kind of weird, right?
The first time was when I went to lunch with my old bus driver. She had not eaten since 9:30 in the morning- and since then- she only had a granola bar. And although "we" were having lunch, I was the only person eating. I am not sure why she did not eat. She said she was not hungry ( I really hope that was case- although I can't imagine not being hungry at 2 pm when I only had a granola bar since 9:30 am). So when I opened my lunch box, I noticed that my mom packed me two granola bars. So I offered one to her- and I think it made her happy.

The next time was when I met this amazing greeting cards writer on Friday. I was on my way to Sammy's (which is a place to eat on campus), and I saw this young woman selling really funny greeting cards. I stopped to take a look at them, and started speaking to the lady. She was just such a charming woman, and she had a very spicy sort of humor. I think what appealed to me about the cards was that she was not afraid to be offensive in her writing, and to speak some of the truth about things in life. I am not exactly one to give provocative cards to my friends (unless we are really close in think) but I really appreciated her skill because it is refreshing to hear honest comments about things in life. It is frustrating to live in a culture of constant euphemism. But that is another conversation to be had at a later time.

One of the card saying that I enjoyed, along with many others:

FRONT SAYS:
You know you're old when you catch yourself checking out a girl old enough to be your daughter
INSIDE SAYS:and you don't feel guilty about it
Happy birthday
Pervert

 But my favorite one was: 

FRONT SAYS:
Thank you for teaching me how to tie my shoes • I’m sorry I dented your car • Thank you for teaching me to stand up for myself • I’m sorry for the time I painted your toenails while you were sleeping • Thank you for letting me make my own mistakes • I’m sorry for not listening when I should have • Thank you for all the sacrifices I never saw or understood until now • I’m sorry for keeping you up late at night worrying • Thank you for never pushing me away • I’m sorry for every time I pushed you away • Thank you for bedtime stories • I’m sorry that I was a brat when I was a kid • Thank you for loving me no matter what • I’m sorry for my entire surly adolescence • Thank you for trusting that I was listening even when I acted like I wasn’t • I’m sorry for painting the dog that one time • Thank you for being someone I have alwtays been able to look up to • I’m sorry for all the times I thought I hated you • Thank you for teaching me how to change a car tire • I’m sorry for all those times I rolled my eyes at you • Thank you for holding my hand even when I tried to shake it off • I’m sorry for charging my new tattoo to your credit card • Thank you for trusting me • I’m sorry for that tattoo (and the other tattoos you don’t know about) • Thank you for always, always loving me • I’m sorry for all the things I did that I will never ever tell you about • Thank you for knowing when to let me fail and when to help me • I’m sorry for putting gum in my brother’s hair even though he deserved it • Thank you for a lifetime of hugs • I’m sorry that I grew too old for bedtime stories • Thank you for showing me how to be a good father one day

INSIDE SAYS:
Here's the really important part, what I want you to remember even if you forget everything else in this card
Thank you for being a good father
I'm sorry it took me so long to say it

I really wanted to purchase that card- but I had no cash. I felt so terrible. So I asked her if there was another way I could purchase the card- perhaps online, or the next time she returned.
Unfortunately- she will not return for months- but I do have her website:
http://www.etsy.com/shop/VixensEmpire?page=1

I am warning you- it is not PG, or even PG-13 material. So please go on the website with caution.

As I was talking to her- she shared a lot about her life- and everything through jokes. It was all meant to be funny- but the harsh reality of her life was obvious. It is like if I came up to you and said- "so guess what, I got kicked out of school due to a misunderstanding so I am chilling at home. Isn't it awesome. I get to do whatever I want."
 I learned something about human behavior through her. She was not exactly positive, believing that things are just going to be "dandy" and perfect in her life, but she was not deep into depression either, sharing her sob story with everyone. It is the more positive way to deal with reality- and that quality really made me value her courage!
I really wished I could do something for her. But I really could not. You know how you see in movies where a random stranger meets the main character, and the main character shares their life story with the stranger, and in the end- the stranger turns out to be the answer to the character's problems. I was sad to realize that I could not be that magic answer for her! But I still wanted to do something for her in return for inspiring me and making me laugh with her jokes. I offered to buy her lunch, but she declined politely saying that she had a granola bar in her bag. But of course, being her funny self- she complained that it was a coconut granola bar- and she has bad memories with coconut flavored foods.
I didn't know how to respond- so I said okay and wished her a good afternoon. As I went to eat my lunch, I noticed that my mom packed me granola bars that day- and even better- two granola bars! So I got very excited and took one of my granola bars to her. I was hoping she liked chocolate better than coconut.

Those are my two granola bars stories. I know two events is not a large enough sample to be calling granola bars lucky- but I still think the occurrences were pretty cool.

Have a good night.

P.s: Sorry for the short writing hiatus. Finals are coming up- so I am freaking out.
But I will be writing a lot more when school is out. And I am visiting Pakistan during the summer- so I am hoping that my blog posts will contain interesting things. :)

The Guy with the Marti Gras Beads

I have noticed that people are very hesitant to sit next to another person, especially in public areas. But what I realized that was more shocking to me, was that I was part of that crowd as well. It is uncomfortable for me to sit next to some random stranger, especially if they are within one foot of me. I think I have this invisible bubble around me of comfort, and I do not like breaking it.

I have been trying to shrink that bubble this week. So anytime I am waiting for a train or a bus, and I see someone sitting down, I go and I try to sit near them. I'm not awkward about it of course, by sitting right next to another person, to where our legs are touching- I am not that daring (yet).

I have to tell you though, it was the hardest thing for me to sit in the middle of two random ladies yesterday when waiting for the train. I think I even had goosebumps, because as I sat down, and while waiting, I was trying my hardest to not move at all, so that I can avoid contact. I could feel the hair on my arms standing straight up, because I was so alert.

And today, the same thing happened. I sat in the middle of two people in class, and the seats are so close, that my neighbor's shoulder was literally inches away from mine- and I felt just so uncomfortable.


Well- I am still not planning on giving up. One of the reasons why humans are so evolutionarily successful is because we are part of groups, and because we exist as part of a society. I really feel that we should be able to be comfortable being near each other.

So now on to my actual story:

I had to ride on the Metrorail today to get to lab. So I decided to sit next to this African American male, who had a seat available next to him. So I went, asked him if I could sit next to him. And sat down. First part of the mission accomplished.

But that was not all- I really wanted to talk to this person as well. Get to know his story, make a human connection. So I observed him, and I noticed that he had red Mari Gras beads on- and I had my topic of conversation. So I started with that, and he told me about his five year old son who gave him the beads. And we continued from there, to talking about his schooling, and his struggles in life, and how he wanted to be a motivational speaker.

And at this point, I could see that my stop was coming up- but I was so intrigued by his conversation that I did not want to stop speaking to him. After all, I probably would never see this person again. So I did what I generally do when I panic- I did nothing. I continued listening to him, and talking. And just like a stalker, I got off at the stop where he got off. Continued walking with him to the bus station where he was to take his bus, and talked to him until his bus came.

He was kind enough (or rather, I was lucky enough) because he did not ask about where I was going- because I really had no idea.

I learned to be appreciative of what my life has given to me, and all the blessings I have in my life.

He shared with me some of the jobs he had to do in his life to earn money, and I was really impressed by how motivated this person was to keep going no matter what life threw at him. He shared that once on his job, his thumb split open, and because he did not want to get fired, he wrapped it up quickly, and continued working. Don't you think this guy is impressive? And even though he probably will have no home past June, he was still working, and taking care of his son, and going to school as well- and staying as positive as a human could be.

I think I have been meeting too many amazing people these days. It makes me feel weak when I complain about my daily problems.

 The worst (funniest) part was that one of my friends was actually at the bus stop ironically, and after the guy left, my friend asked me what I was doing there. And you can just imagine how embarrassing it was to give the honest explanation?