Melanin Says Who I am

When I got to college, I think I was black.

A majority of my friends were African or African American. I know how to cornrow hair, how often you need to relax African American hair, how much hair lotion you need to put on, how to put a bandana on properly when your hair is not working out for you that day, what hair and body routines you need to take to avoid ashy skin and nappy hair. I even had cornrows in my head on Graduation day. And I know it is cheesy, but my nickname given to me by one of my friends in middle school (hence the cheesiness) was "BlackShoes" (my general nickname is Noshu, pronounced No-shoe). I shopped with black people, listened to "black people music," spoke like black people, hung out with black people, and mainly lived near black people. And I never really noticed anything weird about it.

During freshman year, I was eating dinner in the cafeteria with my friends on a regular day, having a good time, when a new person comes to join us at our already crowded table, and comments on how I was "the only non-black person" at the table. I had not noticed. I am apparently not "black," I am "Asian."

I do not think that the designation, "Asian," fits me well. In my mind, "Asian," means someone who plays the piano or violin, has perfectly straight hair, perfect yellow skin, has very strict parents, and has all "A's." Who I am does not match that description. I do not feel Asian, and yet, for all official forms, I check the box: "Asian or Pacific Islander."

Race is confusing! It is a social construct that I cannot surpass simply due to the way I was born. How I look has certain implications for how I should behave, never mind how I actually might be, or desire to be.

What if I was born "white" or "black" or "hispanic"? I know I would obviously look different, but what kind of person would I be? Would I still be me? And now the more existential question: Who is "me?"

My Vocab Crimes

At 12:38 am, these are the sort of things that come to my head.

My pen was not working, and couldn't find any paper that I could randomly use to vigorously compel the pen to work, so I scribbled on my arm. The pen on my arm reminded me of the week in high school when I decided to learn new SAT words by writing out the words on my arm along with their meanings. 

Of course, being the somewhat slow and innocent student I was, I definitely could not predict what would happen the next day at school. 

The best part of the day was when I had to go take a spanish test at the testing center for my spanish class. Imagine what my teacher must be thinking as she sees me leaving the classroom for the testing center: oh there goes my A student, and oh wait, there are words all over her hand. Is she attempting to cheat? If she is, could she really not figure out a better method than to write with black ink in large letters all over her arms? 

Well, obviously she stopped me, along with the testing center official. 

Of course, I decided against this particular vocabulary learning method- but I can't say that the method was useless. I will never forget the meaning of googolplex nor shoehorn. Although I cannot imagine them being of that much benefit to daily life, except for random flash memories of a fond moment when a teacher questioned my ethics due to my desire to learn. 

Now that I think about it, getting in trouble for trying to be good, happens to me a lot. 

In eighth grade, I almost got sent to SAC for- let me let you guess: learning vocabulary! 

We all had vocabulary flash cards for all the vocab terms for class, and that specific day, we were to have a major exam on all the terms right after lunch. So of course, being the studious, and procrastinating student I was, I took the flash cards to lunch, and planned on reviewing during lunch. 

I think friends always love messing with you when you have the most work- it is a unique form of high I think. But either way, one of my friends, who was sitting across from me, decided to take some of my flash cards while I was not looking and hide them under the table. Panic quickly rose when I realized that some cards were missing, and I forgot everything else except those cards, got very loud, and ran to the other side of the wide table trying to find my cards. 

All the while, because of my missing card predicament, I missed that the assistant principal was being very unsuccessful with keeping the crowd quiet and had declared that the next person to get up from their seat would be sent to SAC. Due to my luck, I was naturally the next student to get up right after the declaration. 

I think the entire school enjoyed this event. My teacher, whose test I was studying for, came up to the front of the enormous cafeteria where I was told to go sit for the rest of the lunch period, and basically laughed at the irony of the situation. Well, thank goodness another assistant principal knew me, and saved me from the SAC disaster. But my friends and teacher definitely said loudly and in unison, "how was SAC," when I returned to the classroom. 

I was definitely save from SAC then, but SAC was definitely a required checkpoint in my life. I actually did get sent to SAC, but it was during my senior year. 

And this crime and punishment were because I called my mom right after taking my AP Physics College Board test. I needed to call my mom immediately after getting done with the test because she always took forever to come pick me up. The main issue was that I used the phone while I was in the testing room. The situation is ironic because I was a food away from the door, and that all the students were actually done and talking to each other in the room. For my illegal cell phone usage, my phone was confiscated, I had to pay $10 to get it back, needed my mom to come to school with me the next say, sign on my referral paper while she watched the assistant principal at the school laughing at me getting in trouble. Not only that, I also was sent to SAC for an entire day, which meant being escorted to the testing center and lab by the hall monitor, and getting to eat at a separate special table. That might have been my favorite day in high school, especially because of all the people laughing at me. I might have laughed the most. 

Money Makes the World Go Around

Visiting Pakistan has really provided me an opportunity to understand the meaning of globalization and exploitation.

I always thought it was very cruel that American companies and other developed world companies moved to the developing world and exploited the workers through cruel conditions and low salaries.

However, what I realized here in Pakistan is that labor is exploited whether or not it is a developing or developed country employer. Labor is extremely unpaid. For example, a maid who comes to work daily and washes clothing, sweeps and cleans the entire home and puts things in proper place, and even often cooks and washes the dishes, is paid only about 20-30 dollars per month by each family! That is crazy and should not be acceptable. A gatekeeper which is necesary in front of every building, and who opens the gate for every single person coming in or out 24 hours a day, and who does other odd jobs which might be necesary such as setting up the water or keeping things safe for you, or washing your car and helping you park your car, is only paid 100 dollars total in a month!

Kids of all ages are put to work in sewing or embroidery factories, or in shops to sell clothing or serve food. I have seen kids from 8-16 working all day with long hours. No one seems to realize that eight year olds should be in school and not at work.

Whether it is a child or an adult, people are working in really harsh conditions, in shops where there is no AC nor fan, shops with sharp corners, shop in unhygienic areas, and lots of rust everywhere. And even after being in such an environment all day, workers are paid a maximum of 150-200 dollars.

This to me a terrible exploitation.

Now think about this: American companies pay about 2-3 dollars a day means about a $60 dollar a month. Can you imagine the amount of money saved on salaries for one person? Assuming that American companies pay about $2500 to an American worker, and pay about $60 dollars to a foreign worker means saving $2440 dollars per person. And assuming that a large company has at least a 1000 workers, that is about a $2,440,000 dollar profit! Wow!

What I do not understand is why these companies do not simply pay about 10 dollars per day. It would not make things exactly "fair" since American workers would be getting more than 10 times as much, but at least this salary provides an affordable life for the foreign worker, and still provides a 2,200,000 profit for the company. To me, a 2 million plus profit after paying an affordable salary to workers seems like good logic to me.

Malls Malls Malls

Let's not even discuss malls here. You guys- I have visited about five malls here, and literally, I have not bought a single thing because they were too expensive, and my family earns in dollars. What is the logic? 

In all of my history and sociology books, American society is criticized for it great division between wealthy and poor. However, it is nothing like the division between the rich and poor in Pakistan. 

I was reading an article which described how the affluent in American Society are physically separated from the rest. I cannot seem to find the article currently but it mentioned how a rich baby is born in an expensive hospital, goes to a private and extremely expensive daycare, and then a private elementary, middle and high. And in college, even though people of all monetary classes are accepted, the affluent have their separate clubs which only certain people can join. And lets not forget debutante balls to ensure the wealth remains in the hand of a few. 

However, here in Pakistan, things are even more separated. The defense area in a city is the most expensive place to live generally, and one of my friends was telling me that often people, particularly teenagers from defense, have not even been outside of defense their entire lives. They attend school there, and shop there, and eat there, and marry there. At least in the US, people of every class can go to the same malls and still find things that they can afford. Malls in Pakistan are only affordable to the extremely wealthy, where not even one store is "cheap." I know that from experience. 

Just to share from experience. A t-shirt that I saw in an affordable place cost about 250 rupees, while a shirt  that I saw in a mall was 5200. The expensive shirt cost 20 times more than the affordable shirt. 

Another shocking spending was with food. Eight of us went to eat in a relatively good place to eat, and our bill was 1065. And in an expensive place, where two of us ate, the bill was 3600. Woah!!!! The cost per person in the affordable place was 133 while the cost per person in the expensive place was 1800, about 13 times more. Would it be lame if I inserted another "woah" here? 

A somewhat completely random note: unfortunately, gold and silver costs about the same internationally. Considering that Pakistanis earn a third of Americans, purchasing gold must be an extravagant affair!

The Clothing Cycle

When shopping, it is really difficult for me to understand what "expensive" means here. For example, tea for 17 rupees, which converts to about 17 cents is one heck of a great discount for me, while here, 17 rupees for tea is considered really expensive and 7-10 rupees is a reasonable cost for tea. For me, as a rule of thumb, I multiply the cost in rupees times three to get an approximation of what is expensive or not. For example, if the cost of tea is 20 rupees, I multiply it times 3 or 4 to get 60 rupees, which converts to about 60 cents. Spending 60 cents about five times a day (since people literally drink tea every other hour) can turn out to be a very costly expense.

 It is not simply that the standard of "expensive" is set really low here, it is rather that things actually cost a third of what they cost in the US.  If that was the entire matter, then I would not be so concerned. There are however two main things that make affordability a large concern here.

One issue here is that salaries are less than even one third of the salaries in the US. For example, a standard salary that can still provide an acceptable living in the US is $2000 per month. However, about $200-300 per month is considered an acceptable salary in Pakistan, and seriously $400-600 per month is considered a really good salary. What I cannot imagine is how someone can survive here if they earn about $100 per month, which many people do.

What makes matters worse is that some things are extremely expensive here, and I cannot imagine how people here manage to afford those things. Clothing, for example, is really expensive here. The simplest casual wear outfit that I could find cost about a 1000 rupees, which is about $10. And if you earn about $100 per month, that is like paying 10% of your salary for casual clothing. To put things in perspective, if you earn about $2000 per month in the US, then the simplest outfit costs you about $200. Can you imagine having to spend $200 on an outfit that you can barely even walk outside in because it is too plain? And outfits that people wear to the religious center or a restaurant, cost at least about $40-70.

It is ironic that clothing is expensive in the country where export of textile and clothing is the second or third largest in the world. So this country provides clothing for the entire world, and yet it cannot supply for its own citizens. 

This is the main reason why clothes are so often passed from one child to another, and then if no child can fit the outfit in a family, the outfit is given to another family, and after it has been passed on to everyone possible, it is given to the maid in the home so her family can utilize it.

Oh and basically, there is really no such thing as a real sale on clothing. Any time I saw a sale board, it was either for items that were literally unwearable because of intense deterioration, or the sale was in a store that was already completely not affordable, that even with a 50% off sale, the items are no where close to affordable.

When I first came here two months ago, I was so surprised that no one seemed to be dressed up at all, and their clothing was so plain. Fashion of fancy Pakistani clothing is in the US and I honestly assumed that it was a copy of the clothing style in Pakistan. But really, Pakistanis wear really rather simple clothing. And I believe that this trend is at least somewhat rooted in fact for super fancy clothing is simply not made affordable enough for Pakistani citizens. It is really a shame. 

Laces and Dyed Scarves

Oh my goodness, the clothing making process is the coolest thing ever, and yet it is one of the hardest things to do! My friends like shopping with me because I can immediately look at an outfit and say if it is pretty or worth trying. However, here in Pakistan, it is a totally different story.

Outfits are generally made from scratch here. You first go to a place where you are sold printed cloth. So either you can buy one cloth, or you can buy multiple pieces of clothes to use for the same outfit, such as a cloth piece for the panels on the side, a different cloth piece for the back, top, or pant or scarf etc. After choosing the clothes for one outfit, you go to a lace shop and you buy different laces, velvet or silk or satin. If you want, you also need to go to a place for buttons for your outfit. If you want the outfit to be more fancy, you go to a shop to either buy a neck piece which is embroidered or you can give an order get a design embroidered either with thread or different beading. You also need to remember to get a sleeves, and decide if you want net sleeves or what sort of cloth you want for the sleeve. Then you need to go to a shop to get the scarf piece, and you have to go to a shop to get your scarf and sleeves dyed. You also need to get a cloth to make a chemise that matches with the outfit. So after all of that is over, you go to a tailor to stitch the outfit. At the tailor's shop, you give your measurements and bargain the price.
And the issue with tailors is that they take forever in making the outfit, and take at least an extra week or two and lots of visits before they finish your entire outfit. Everyone here is always complaining about tailors. One of my aunts is always taking food for the tailor and stopping by to say hello. So I asked her why she randomly worried so much about getting snacks to the tailor, and she replied that it is to butter him up so he would stitch clothes for them faster!

This is a skill I do not have, and a hassle I am incapable of dealing with. I do not know how to imagine an entire outfit in my mind, from buttons to the dyed shades and patterns of the scarf, and I have no idea what the difference is between lawn and cotton and linen and silk and all the billion types of clothes.

I tried taking the long process to get clothes made with lots of help from my aunts and cousin, but all that thinking really gave me a headache. So now, I have been going to places where I can buy ready-made outfits. But even those I have go give an order for and they have to get made according to my size.

It is a hassle, but at the same time- isn't the whole idea of an outfit you designed yourself from scratch the coolest idea ever? 

Exotic Clothing Choices

Today I was thinking about the meaning of being exotic.
I have been meeting several people who have visited the US for maybe a year or so, and just that one year has transformed them so much.
So first, let me describe two events where I met two people who inspired me to write this post.
-I went to what is referred to here as a "picnic," at a "farmhouse" last weekend. Basically, about a 120 of us went together in two large buses to a house we rented for a day. The house had two large rooms, a kitchen, dining and sitting area, and a very large portion in the front of the house with swings, a slide, a treehouse, and a small pool. I have gone to two picnics, one which was on a small basis, and one much larger with the 120 people. During both picnics, we reached there at around 9 am, ate breakfast that we picked up on a way, and then basically swam all day, taking small breaks for playing games, talking, drinking chai (english tea), and eating lunch. Well anyways, on this trip, I was wearing the traditional pakistani dress, a shalwar (a long shirt) kamiz (bottom) with a duppata (long scarf), that I wear everywhere, and while swimming I was wearing a very very loose shirt, and pants. So basically, I looked completely pakistani, and no one could really tell that I was from the US. However, there was one girl there with a modern, somewhat fitted shirt, a miniskirt, and jeans. Her hair was really stylish, and not tied, and she looked to me like a regular teenager in the US. To see someone who looks like a modern American teenager in Pakistan is very odd- because no one really dresses that way, and if they do, they completely stand out, especially at a picnic with people of all ages. Her looks and style looked very American, and it turns out that she lived in the US for one year.
-The next person is at the place I am researching. She studies in the US, and has lived in Pakistan for her entire life- yet the first day, she came in with a shalwar kamiz without a dupatta. I do not go anywhere in Pakistan without a duppata because it is important in this culture to not leave your neck bare. And the second day, she came in with skinny jeans and t-shirt.

I feel like the dressing choice of the girls was chosen by them to make themselves stand out, and look unique and foreign and exotic.
Meeting them made me wonder why I do not desire to wear my western clothing here.

I think that the reason why I do not desire to dress the way I generally do in the US is because this summer, my goal was to understand what it means to be a Pakistani. Therefore, I want to dress like a Pakistani, I want to eat, and sleep and talk like a Pakistani. It is my desire to understand perhaps the other part of me, and to understand my heritage better. I also perhaps desire to discover how I might have been if I never left Pakistan. I believe that the US is no longer an exotic location for me, but rather a home to me (that is not to imply that Pakistan is not my home).

But I can empathize with the girls because I love to show off my Pakistani outfits and Pakistani culture to my friends in the US.  And since I had not visited Pakistan for about 12 years, I really was not aware of the culture- so I too perhaps for trying to express an exotic part of myself to others. My purpose in showing Pakistani culture to others was not to show off, but rather I truly felt that Pakistani culture was a part of me, and I wanted to share this culture with the people around me. Perhaps that is what these girls feel?

I think another reason why I do not dress in western clothing here is because I feel that you should dress according to the expectations of the society that you reside in. If I dressed in western clothing here, it would be considered inappropriate and might even offend people. That should not be the intentional purpose of clothing choice. Although often people do wear very provocative clothing, and the obvious example is Lady Gaga, but to observe her clothing is a matter of choice, and she dresses that way to make a point.

Cleaners' Point, and Other Jokes and Stuff

Some interesting things:

-The janitors' closet was labeled cleaners' point.
-The purpose of foundation here is to lighten your skin, not to even it out.
- People use a lot of scented powder- and just shower themselves with lots of powder, on their faces, necks, backs, arms, etc.
- Perfume is more popular than deodorant, and instead of spraying once or twice, you are supposed to spray perfume like 10-15 times.
-There are lots of animals here randomly roaming the streets- cats, cows, dogs, donkeys, mice- it is a mini zoo. When one of my aunts moved near the place I am staying, her son, who was very young at the time asked her if they moving to zoo garden (I am not sure why, but zoo is called zoo garden. When I asked, my cousin said that that is because there is always a park connected with the zoo.)
- Fast food is very famous here. Except that burgers are all vegetarian. I thinking maybe there was something lost in translation because I have never seen burgers that were vegetarian in the US. I am very happy about that though because I don't eat meat.
- The word for meat is only used to describe meat of cows or goats. Apparently, chicken is not considered meat. So everyone always asks me, "You don't eat meat, or chicken?" I find that to be very amusing! :)
-A particular mango juice box (boxed juice?) is really famous here, which is called Slice.
-A cellphone is referred to as a set. So when we went to the internet store, the guy told me I needed to change my set.
-There are way too many beggars, and they do not leave you alone, even after you give them money. We kept requesting one guy to leave after we gave him money, and he just kept asking for more. My uncle was so upset, that I was afraid someone was going to get beaten up. Is it terrible to admit that I found that scene to be pretty fascinating?
-The van driver I come back with from research lab plays the same three old songs daily. I am not bored of them yet, I simply find it amusing.

Good night.

:)

Life in a Rickshaw

Driving in Pakistan is an activity without rules. Apparantly, the only time people actually get thrown in jail for a traffic related reason is if two males are riding on one motorcycle. Seen I have been here, I have seen two signal lights that were actually up and working. I was more concerned about the waste of electricity, because no one except for me seemed to notice that the signal was red. There is no such thing as jay-walking, and no such thing as one way street. That means that roads are a mixture of rickshaws, buses, bicycles, taxis and people, walking and driving in any direction they desire. But I have not witnessed even one accident. I think that is because people do not really drive fast anywhere, and they are so accustomed to the crazy traffic so they are extra careful. Oh and seat belts most definitely do not exist. I cannot remember if I have even seen one.
On the way back from the airport, my cousin put a large bag of mine in the driver's seat. I began to ask how the driver was going to be able to drive with the large suitcase, and then I saw and remembered that the driver's side is flipped, so driver's sit on the right side of the car, and all the road and directions are opposite. How odd right?

And the cars here are so miniature. Imagine a regular compact car in the US, then cut off about .5-.75 feet from the front and the back of the car, and you have the average Pakistani car. I am still not sure where the entire fits into the car. Of course regular cars are still there, such as toyotas, and hondas, but they are rarely seen. Motorcycles are very common here, and are much cheaper than cars, so are often preferred.

Now let's discuss the most commom form of transportation used: the rickshaw.
There are so many corners in the rickshaw that you have to be very careful not to tear your clothing too much, and to prevent any injury to yourself. And basically, you can fit in as many people as you want in that little vehicle. The basically sit in the main seat in the back, three younger and lighter people can sit on the laps of the people on the seat, and you can fit two people on the miniature seat made for the driver in the front. That is an insane amount of crowded!

The first day that I had to sit in a rickshaw, I was panic-stricken for my life! It feels like sitting in a very mini car, without any doors. I tried my best to keep my hands and legs totally inside the vehicle because the traffic is so scary, and the speed breakers made me jump up and down so much.

Rickshaw drivers make me laugh. Unfortunately, I am not laughing with them. At least for the rickshaws I have riden, the drivers are men (all rickshaw drivers are men), maybe in their thirties, with awkward hair length (not long or short enough to be appealing- but in the middle where it looks like all of them could use a hair cut). There are way too many mirrors for the driver to view from, and many of them are often placed in a position where the driver can stare at the females sitting in the back. I felt so awkward yesterday, because the driver in one of the rickshaws we sat in, placed one entire mirror in a position where he could just stare at my face. It was so awkward, and I kind of wanted to slap him, but I didn't care enough to say anything.

The next rickshaw driver we rode with yesterday made my day! This crazy character play really old songs, very loudly in the speakers in his rickshaw, and he kept staring at me, my cousin and my aunt. I am sorry to admit, but his face was not good looking at all, he had really oily hair, and he really needed to shower- but he was trying so hard to look very cool for us. When we got off the rickshaw for like 5 minutes to buy pretty hats that I saw, my aunt wanted my cousin to switch spots because she felt that the driver was staring at my cousin. The guy simply would not let my cousin switch spots. He insisted that she sit exact there because the balance of the rickshaw would be off, and I could easily see that one entire mirror was set on her! I could just look at his face, and predict what he was thinking! But we ignored it, tried not to say anything in the rickshaw, and just get to our destination.

But guess what happened next? When we got off the rickshaw, the guy offered my aunt his phone number, and said that she could call him anytime she needed to get on a rickshaw. Well obviously she rejected, but I could not stop laughing. We went to the phone shop, and for like 20 minutes, the rickshaw driver was right there, and would not leave. My aunt was paranoid that he would follow us home, and then come park there everyday. I can't remember the last time I laughed as much. I bet everyone thought I was going crazy. But please do not think that all rickshaw drivers are like that. I bet there are plenty of drivers who are honest, hard-working, morally conscious people, just trying to make a living.

I have not riden in a taxi yet. Taxis are rarely used.

So Much News

People here are more politically aware than people I have seen anywhere. They know about all the parties, what the parties are doing, all the political actions their president, vice president, judges, and other officials did and are doing. Politics and the government are brought up in daily conversations every single day, and every single person watches the news daily, and then shares and discusses with others. This part of Pakistani life is very boring for me. I do not exactly keep up with the news so much, and seeing all the violence just frustrates me, and angers me. I know that the habit of not following the news, domestic and international, is a terrible choice on my part. I do believe that we, as humans, should be aware of what is going on in our society, and we should be wary of anyone reducing our freedom, or putting our lives in danger, but seeing all the terrible stuff going on in this world just makes me sad and bitter.
My habit is to maybe listen to ten minutes of news in the morning, and maybe read some headlines online, and read more if the topic is important, dangerous or interesting. I prefer this method much more than constantly reading the news, and listening to new talk shows, and reading the entire newpaper daily, and discussing and sharing with everyone I know.

Good actions and people do exist in life, but those are never highlighted in the news, and I would much rather spend my time interacting with people in my immediate surroundings. It can be labeled as ignorance, and false perception of happiness and happy society, but not being that aware of the news makes me able to be a happier person who can still appreciate the good people and good actions in life.

Representing your party, and showing your patriotism is very popular here. Apparantly, teenage boys love buying flags of their parties, and wearing them as bandanas, or waving them while riding on a motocycle. My cousin was showing me his collection of flags, and literally, he had like 25 flag, all different sizes, most of them for different occasions and different parties. My cousins made a joke that if I put pictures online of me holding certain flags, I might get banned. I did not find the joke funny, rather Orwellian.
My cousin treated his flags as if they were his most prized possessions. He folded all of them afterwards with so much care, and actually hid them in a safe. He even showed me several flags he made with the help of his mom. I was most interested in how politics becomes a part of culture, and part of the definition of "coolness."

It is a Social Life

There are so many things that are different here, that it is so difficult for me to paint a clear portrait about what the culture is here, along with how I am dealing with it, and what difficulties I am facing.

First of all, I wanted to inform everyone about how I am dealing with the culture shock. I was not exactly sure what I was getting myself into, and anyone I spoke to, whether they were from Pakistan or the United States, all advised me not to come to Pakistan for an extended time. I was warned about the danger, the heat, the mosquitoes, the conservative society, the lack of freedom, and the unkempt environment.

I have decided that I am writing on this blog to perhaps provide a critique of this culture according to my perspective, and not to criticize this culture. It would be a very foolish action for anyone to declare that the western world is better than the eastern world. And I am learning more and more that there are ups and downs to both societies.

One of my main desires in coming to Pakistan was to understand a little bit better about how the other half of the world survives. I believe it is almost imperitive for everyone in the world to ponder and to truly seek to understand how others all over the world live, because only then can be properly perform our duty as world citizens.

Of course, there are no hard and fast rules that distinguish cultures, particularly because each culture itself is too complex to generalize easily, but what I have been realizing as one of the main significant differences in the American and the Pakistani society is the differences in value given to a human's existence as a self, versus a human existence as part of a community. 

In the United States, who I am as an independent individual is a common question, and there are several aspects of American culture that result from this ideology:

• A prominent thought in the US is that I should not care about how another person thinks about my dressing, my career choices, or my desires. 
• American ideology places a lot of emphasis upon personal time. After hanging out with people all day, us Americans need some time to ourselves to think about things, and to just be away from other, including our own family members. 
•  It is often considered essential for an older teen to move away from home, and learn to earn and manage her/his own money. And often attending college outside of the state is encouraged because it builds character, and teachers a young adult how to be self-sufficient.
• There is a concept of invisible impenetrable personal space bubble that should not be punctured by even a casual friend.

In Pakistan, how we exist as a society is the common question.

• Everyone is very much concerned about family respect, making sure to uphold the family honor.
• The members of this society interact with each other so much. Every single day, everyone attends the religious center- whichever one they belong to. I believe it is as much a social activity as it is a religious one. After the religious ceremonies are over, you meet with all the people you know, talk about your day, share recipes, complain about the heat or the violence. Then you go back towards your colony (which is like an apartment complex), and there are lots of areas to sit, where you gather with your friends and talk at least for half an hour or so. It is a very social life! Pakistani people have lots and lots of friends.
• Oh my goodness- the volunteerism! There are so many things you can volunteer for, and so many programs going on. The programs are mainly through the religious center, but they involve all sorts of activities for all sorts of people. There is band, cub scouts, shine scouts, computer classes, summer camps of all sorts, programs for senior citizens, for special needs people, for mothers, for students. And every single person that I have spoken to is a part of at least 3 institutions.
• One thing that I find to be very odd is that people randomly go to each others' homes whenever they want without calling or informing first. And what is even more odd- people really love it when others visit. I mean they really love it, and they become sad when people do not come to visit.
• There is not exactly a concept of personal time. Here, I am constantly with others. The only time I am by myself is when I am changing or in the washroom (no one uses the word restroom- odd isn't it.
• Everyone knows all their neighbors, and they talk with each other all the time. People always leave their homes open during the day without worrying about anything. And people are always sitting in their balconies, talking with people that are passing by, or just sitting and observing.

Even though they all complain about life being so busy- to me, it seems like a very relaxed and amazingly slow-paced life. At the research lab, there is chai time daily, and coworkers go in groups of maybe 5-6, and just drink chai, share biscuits (by biscuits I mean cookies and crackers. I don't think actual american bread biscuits are eaten here, and cookies are referred to as biscuits), and talk about what is going on in their lives. Everyone is so aware of what is going on in everyone else's life, and somehow you are expected to know everyone in your community, and their relationship with everyone else. Gossip is an important part of this life. It is something that is not liked in the community, but it is also an essential practice. After all, if you talk with so many people, almost all day, then you obviously hear and talk about what is going on with others.

It is a social life here- where human beings interact with each other much much more than they interact with the internet and music and television. I know I shouldn't admit it, but I really miss the constant existence of music, internet and television in my life! I value human interactions much more, but I suppose I have become too comfortable with the status quo of interaction with nonliving things. Of course, I am not implying that in the US, people do not communicate with each other. I am simply pointing out that in Pakistan, people interact with each other on a much greater level, and interact with technology on a much lower level. I believe that the reason for that is not the lack of technology access, but rather the culture of socialization.

Yay Women!

I know it is ironic to expect this in a patriarchal society such as Pakistan, but every single day here, I am astonished by how amazing women are, especially in this culture.

I am working in a research lab, and literally, there are probably maybe 20 people here, out of which, about 14-15 are women. The women are in charge, they are highly qualified, and knowledgeable. They dressing of the women are conservative, but their mindsets are very open. And almost everywhere I look, women seem to be the ones in highly qualified, educated jobs, such as teachers, nurses, doctors, researchers, principals, etc.  For example, I went to a government school, where every single teacher was a female, except for one.

The men here generally seem to be the ones running their own stores, and businesses, while women do not do much physical labor jobs (except the really impoverished women who are maids), and are instead in academic fields.

From the exposure I had with very conservative Muslim women in the US, I expected women here to be more involved in house chores, who consider earning money, and higher education to be a “man’s work.” However, these women do both! At least from what I have observed, these women wake up early in the morning, they cook food for their husbands and kids, clean the home, wash the dishes, and get ready for work, and get their kids ready for school. Then after work, they come back, they provide food for their families, attend their respective religious center, and on their way back, they do minor grocery shopping. Then on the weekends, these women are the ones getting clothing made, or taking their kids to go get school stuff they need. Honestly- these women seem to do everything. I have no idea how they manage everything.

I will still admit that Pakistan is still a very patriarchal society. What I generally observe is that women are responsible for cooking, cleaning and child-rearing- almost fully. One habit that annoys me is that after eating, men just leave their plates on the table, while the women put the plates away. Women put the dishes up, generally wash them (although many of the households have maids that clean the dishes- although I have not seen many maids), wash the clothes, iron the clothes, sweep and mop the floors. Why is it that women do everything here, and work as well?

Well of course that is not the entire truth. I have seen men here stitch a button, iron clothes, and take out the trash- but compared to what working women do- I feel like that is not enough pitching in. And of course, a lot of women are still full-time housewives. But I never realized how busy their lives can get as well. The housewives I have noticed generally wake up at 6 am, and seem to be busy all day. They are also doing whatever they can to assist their children in school work. I am impressed!

I suppose Pakistani people realize just how amazing women are, which is why mother's day was such a major deal here. It was literally celebrated for days. Everyone kept wishing Happy Mother's Day to anyone what was a mom. I kept seeing stuff about mother's day on the news and interviews from kids on regular TV shows. It was recognized in schools, and emphasized in all the religious education classes. I even saw several posters in the religious center I attend here, appreciating moms. All my cousins secretly went to get amazing gifts for their moms before mother's day. And guess what? The light did not go out at all on Sunday, and several people thought it was to appreciate mothers! I mean how amazing is that?  

Yay women!!! :D

First Post on Pakistan

I have constantly been thinking for the past six days that I have been here in Pakistan about how to portray a correct perspective without causing anyone to hate my experience.

Currently, everything is too different for me to be able to provide an accurate description, so I have decided to list some key things that I am currently liking or disliking (basically things that really stand out).

• I understand a bit more of what it means to live in the third world. If I could use three concepts to describe this world visually, they would be pollution, rust and graffiti.
• Pollution is the norm. I do not wish to belittle this society, but it is simply a fact that the definition of "clean" is simply very different from what is considered clean in American society. Areas that many consider very clean are in a condition that I believe would probably be considered a health hazard in the United States. I do not mean to imply that this society does not clean (because people here clean more than I have ever seen anyone clean), but simply that somehow, even after cleaning all day, things just don't become as clean as they do in the US: the dust just settles again, and the smell just never leaves.
• Everything is rusty. I have yet to see a shiny piece of metal. But there is something in the air that makes everything rusty. I know this for a fact because I bought a new shiny golden watch the day before my flight and brought it here for use. In the US, this watch would probably remain shiny for maybe two years. Somehow, within 24 hours, this watch is totally rusty. It looks more copper than golden. I am completely fascinated by how this happened. I am still in utter shock.
• There is no wall, or road, or freeway (if you can call them freeways) or street, that is not covered with large writings, all mainly in black. I would not call any of it art. Rather it is all political propaganda, promoting the government.
• I understand a bit more about what terrorism means.
• Harry Potter comes to mind often here. There is a new population of people that has travelled to this area, and they are known to be the ones causing much of the danger in the area. Therefore, I am constantly being warned about them, and people are constantly telling me that these people are the ones putting up the graffiti, and kidnapping people, and making things dangerous. However, you are not allowed to call them by their name. You are only supposed to whisper about them, and even then, always refer to them as "them." They who must not be named!  
• This society is obsessed with local and domestic news. Everyone is constantly watching the news. If there is any death nearby, people immediately text everyone in their contact list. Every single death, or firing, or kidnapping is talked about, and since there is something dangerous going on constantly, the environment is kind of depressing all the time (at least to me.)
• Everyone here is afraid I will get kidnapped. It scares me, but also somewhat annoys me.
• Some random things:
• I miss toilet paper. Can I admit something without being judged? I am not a theif, and I find stealing to be very unethical, but I stole a roll of toilet paper. I have no idea where to find toilet paper, and I have not seen it being sold anywhere, and I know it would be a very odd conversation if I asked my aunt to purchase toilet paper for me, so I stole a roll of toilet paper. I was initially assigned a room, at the place where I am interning, due to a misunderstanding. But two days later, I had to move out of it. Technically, I was not supposed to ever have received the room, and therefore, I was not entitled to keep the toilet paper roll in the fancy Americanized room. However, when I had to take all my stuff from the room, I took the toilet paper roll with me, because I was not sure if I would be able to find any toilet paper anywhere.
• I hate mosquito bites. I do not use bug spray that much, but I apply bug spray anytime I am going to the restroom. If I do not, I come out with at least 15-20 mosquito bites. The first few days, it felt like my entire body was on fire because I had so many mosquito bites!
• I often feel like my clothing has more sweat on it than actual cloth.
• Everyone expected me to be a brat who requires constant AC use, and who complains all the time about the mosquito bites. I do not complain about these things here, but the truth is that the American me complained all day in the US if I got even one mosquito bite, and at home, I constantly asked my mom to reduce the AC temperature. I currently have probably had maybe 150 mosquito bites at least, and I have been living without any AC for maybe 3 days.
• An aunt of mine was afraid of inviting me into her home because she felt that her home was not freshly painted, and the wall did not look nice. I am not really interested in the paint quality of homes- I just wanted to meet my aunt.
• The light goes off at least three times a day for about two hours each. Nuff said.
• The water comes on in the morning at around 7:05, and I am up at 6:30 every morning. Can you imagine waking up an not being able to use the restroom, or wash your face, or brush your teeth, or shower for even 5 minutes after you are awake? I think the water issue is my biggest issue. When I wake up, I really need water!
• I feel like I am constantly dirty, and I just desire to shower all day.
• I do not see people wash their hands as much. I desire to wash my hands constantly and yet I often cannot. Already I see myself washing my hand about three times as much as everyone. So often times, my hands feel so gross and oily, but I do not want to offend people around me by washing my hands so much. I try very hard to not be so high maintenance. I think a lot of them have the stereotype of the germaphobic, picky American. I think it is an accurate stereotype, but I desire to not be so obvious about it.
• I miss music so so much!! I want to listen to my english songs, or any songs in general. The van driver played some really old songs yesterday, but I was so happy to finally hear something musical, that I automatically had a large smile on my face.
• I hate that my phone balance runs out all the time. I miss my family in the US, so I call them often (maybe 20 minutes every other day or so), and my phone balance dies so quickly.
• I am afraid of using my camera because I fear it will be stolen immediately. That's because people are constantly afraid of using their phones in public, because phones are often stolen. Apparently, getting mugged is a common occurence and a constant fear.
• Nobody lets me pay for anything! I have not spent a rupee on anything, except when I am at the research lab where I go to eat lunch.

• More than anything, I feel so much love!!!! These people (my family here) barely know me, and I have not seen them in eleven years, but they really love me guys. How is that possible? How can there be so much love available in my share, and yet, I have been away from it for eleven years? I would be willing to give up almost anything to be able to have this much love around me all the time. If makes me feel whole!

That is all for now!

Mi Visita a México

I went to Mexico over the winter of 2011, and I had a lot of fun. My parents were going to get some dental work done (which is by the way about a fifth of the price), so my sister and I tagged along for a vacation. We went for about a week, and we actually booked a room in a Marriot at the edge of Texas in a place called Mercedes, Texas and stayed there during the night, and visited Mexico during the day.  The first picture is the first one we took by the border where I was apparently in Mexico, while my dad was officially in the US. I just thought is was so cool that I was a foot away from my dad and yet we were in different countries. You have to admit, that is pretty cool. 

So this is how the system worked. Basically we parked the car on the Texas (US) side of the border, where it cost, I think $2, to park for the entire day, and we walked towards the border, where you insert a quarter and walk over to Mexico. Can you believe that? You have to show no ID, or anything to enter Mexico- you just need a quarter! Of course, returning to the US is a complicated task. 

So after entering your quarter, you walk on a long bridge, where you can see the Rio Grande to your right, and when you keep going, you pass the sign below that says Mexico: Puente Internacional- Nuevo Progresso. We were officially in an area of Mexico called Nuevo Progresso, and that is the place where we visited for the entire week. As soon as you pass this sign, and keep going, you are bombarded with literally dozens of people all offering dental services, and pharmacy services, and opthamologist services, along with dozens of other things. I mean literally within a fifth of a mile, just on one street, there are probably about 50-60 dental areas, and dozens of pharmacies, and all of them speak at least basic English, and accept dollars. 

Just less than a mile behind us stood the United States, and yet it was obvious that we were no where in the US. Everything about Mexico was different. First of all- the main thing you notice immediately, right after noticing the pharmacy areas, is the dust on the streets. The streets are completely dusty, and  each day, my outfit had a layer of dust on it, and my hair needed to be washed daily because I could barely comb through it by the end of the day each day. 

That being said, I have to admit that my trip to Mexico was one of the most exciting and fulfilling trips I have taken so far. It felt real to me. Is that odd to say? I feel like I have to concede that I am so tired these days of the way the US looks. I remember when I was in San Antonio, and when we were driving on the freeway, I had the sudden feeling that I was near home in Houston. That is because the freeway and everything around looked exactly the way the freeway environment looks in Houston. I have had this same feeling in many places I have gone to. It seems like so many of our cities and towns in the US look the exact same, and so many buildings are so predictable. No matter which Walmart I go to in the US, I always know where I can find the pharmacy, or milk. Our world is a prototype that has been replicated everywhere- and where not much stands out. I get so bored in US malls in particular these days because everything looks exactly the same no matter which mall I go to, with the same stores, and the same music, and same costs, and same style, and same order. 

When I went to Mexico, I realized what I was missing. Each place stood out for its unique look. There were no fast foods, or Walmarts or even Krogers or Whole Foods- just random businesses which people built themselves, and some large stores which all stood out because they sold different things, and had a different look about them. 

I love the fact that I somewhat look Hispanic, because I got to practice a lot of Spanish. I tried so hard to pretend that I was from Mexico because I really wanted to belong to this awesome society. Of course, I couldn't do too great of a job, but I still had fun trying to speak and bargain in Spanish for the majority of the day. But bargaining is such a difficult task. I felt so guilty asking the vendors to reduce their prices, because a majority of the people made the stuff they were selling. 

One of the most fun things I did there was eating on the streets. Basically every single day, my parents went to their dentist while my sister and I went to the streets, shopped and bought elotes! Well it took me actually a day (or two) to understand that  elotes was corn. But the elotes we bought was not just any corn. It was corn on the cob with creamy white cheese, mayo, red spice, and lemon. That is the best use of $2 in my life! 

There were so many vendors of elotes in every single place, all day long, that they were really easy to find.

 The environment in Mexico felt so authentic, and just so different. A totally new and crazy experience! And the food in Mexico is some of the most delicious food I have ever had in my life! I think we ordered like eight of the little pastry things the lady was selling at the this particular stand (below), and we took like half an hour just to sit outside on the broken table and chairs and eat. 

The streets and each of the stores look unique in their own way, and I especially appreciated the nice use of color everywhere, such as the blue store in the picture with my dad and mom. My sister and I also discovered a dark magenta and neon color apartment area. There seemed to be so much spunk about the place, where the name, labels and everything had unique font and color. Mexican people are not afraid of color- and I totally respect that!

Since there were not many cars driving generally, my mom (similar to the rest of us) jaywalked all over the place.

There is so much more to share about Mexico, that I could probably write a mini book- but I am just writing tiny tidbits about it, and perhaps I will share a lot more in the near future! The picture above of Serratos makes me look crazy, but I had to share that picture because Serratos seriously gave us two enormous burritos and a fanta all for five dollars. The main problem was that Serratos was mainly for the Hispanic vendors, and workers in the area since there was no one who spoke English in there, and they charged money in pesos. We were very confused the first time we went there, but somehow I managed to order the burritos in Spanish, and the waitress agreed to convert the pesos amount to dollars and accept the dollars instead. After that time, we just went there several times, and looked for the same waitress and ordered the same exact thing. 

We also tried several different, more famous eating places, which were all pretty good, but really pricey and still could not find any food that tasted better than the burritos from Serratos! 

In the end, I was going crazy, and took several pictures where I was in Mexico and the US at the same time! It was really amusing I promise! 

Ps: Exiting everyday was really difficult because my family and I look Hispanic, and all the guards at the US entrance border thought we were sneaking in illegally. It would be quite hilarious if we got locked up or something for trying to escape Mexico, when we are not from Mexico at all!

Overall a phenomenal experience! If you ever want to visit, just message me and I can give you more info! :)

Paranoia Is In the Air

I will soon be heading to Pakistan, and I think I am getting cold feet. I mean, so much can change right?

But I am still very excited to understand my roots, and to learn about myself and my culture.

I have also been learning that although some parts of Pakistan might contain people that are very conservative, there are other parts where I can just be normal and wear whatever I generally wear in the US. I was actually very surprised to learn that. I will keep you all posted about how these two opposing societies and views coexist.

Currently, I am preoccupied with picking a perfect outfit for the flight. I want to wear something which does not get me stereotyped as a fundamental Islamic fanatic in the US airport, nor stereotyped as a too liberal American in the Pakistan airport.

My flight to the US for the first time was in October 2001, and I remember that we were stereotyped at every stop, where my family was checked with much more detail, and a plane was even delayed by almost an hour, just so that all of our stuff, every single bag was checked thoroughly. This offended me because they even opened every bad of chips my mom packed for me as a snack, while I distinctly remember that a Caucasian male was allowed to pass without any checking. Because of all the harsh treatment my family received at the airport several years ago, I am still very afraid of security because of my dislike of being judged due to my clothing or the color of my skin.

Perhaps I am simply paranoid. Which reminds me of Uprising by Muse. I highly recommend that song! :)

Another issue that I am worried about is that people seem to nonchalant about bombing. I hear people mention bombing in such a casual way. I am worried firstly, that I will be way more worried than they will be. And secondly, I am concerned about how a human being can even become nonchalant about bombing in such close proximity to them. It seems like their death is prevented simply by slight chance, and yet they seem so brave to me. How does one become like that? That implies a lot about human capacity.

Just as a random note- I am very excited to announce that I received an internship at the hospital that I was born in! This means that I can celebrate my 21st birthday, not only in the country I was born in, but in the exact hospital I was born in!!! How exciting is that?

My Versatile (and Super Amazing) Younger Sister

 How is anyone supposed to compare with my amazing sister? I am not jealous or anything, but I will admit that it is really difficult being as awesome as her. I mean seriously- she is gorgeous, intelligent, caring, and fun all at the same time! And I don't just mean smart, I mean gifted! This kid is way smarter than I am. So she actually transferred to a more challenging school this year. And she has been  entertaining me daily about how "weird," gifted kids are.

She is unique because she is a "regular," kid who happens to be gifted. She is not a kid who was brought up in a gifted environment her entire life, so she can see how warped the status quo is in her school is. What we are all mainly used to, and even what the media generally portrays is that the popular students are mainly concerned with fashion and reputation, while the bullied kids were the ones who were interested in school and video games and dressed generally out of fashion. Well in her school, the most intelligent kids with the best grades are also the most popular. It is a middle school world I cannot imagine.

This post is mainly from one random night when she was telling me about her school students, and the stuff she was saying was so golden that I had to write it all down.

Our conversation started with her telling me that "my school's got problems." Her school is divided between the gifted "decent [looking] people who tuck in her shirts, and the rest who look at us and walk away." According to her, the school that she is attending actually was performing terribly, so to attract more students, they added an academy portion where some students could transfer to the school to take more challenging courses. The academy students and the rest of the students are still required to take classes together because the academy students were deemed very antisocial. Clearly, the attempt at social mixing has led to some interesting issues in her school.

One unintended result, according to her is that "all the people in my geometry class think they've got 'swag.'" According to my sister, these students not only think they are "gangsta," they also "think they're cool because the teachers know them." These try having "swag," to fit in with other students not from the academy, and they fit in with students from the academy by being cool with the teachers. Apparently, it is common to brag and say, "oh yea, all the teachers know me, I'm so cool." Umm- I think she has got a point about her school having problems. Maybe in college, you can pass for cool if you are known by teachers and principals, but definitely not in middle school. It is like a warped society where the nerdy kids are the popular "plastics," who rule the school, and who think they are very cool.

She is of course inspired by the school system where good grades are encouraged, however, she made a good point saying, "I can't imagine how they'll survive [when they enter high school]." And being the funny kid she is, she mentions, "Good thing they are going together to the same high school, so they can comfort each other [when they are getting bullied]."


A funny topic she mentioned that was fascinating was that her assistant principal is an anglo "old man in his 40s , who is chubby with a long beard," who uses "rap songs in casual conversations." Recently, he reprimanded a student out of his seat by announcing on the mic "park it like its hot."

Another thing she mentioned that I thought was pretty cool is that the students with hijabs (headscarves) seem to have the coolest fashion sense in her school.

One last thing that she mentioned that I could not stop laughing about was when her teacher played a parody about what cool kids are. In the parody, the cool kids were nerds with secret hand shakes, who were obsessed with video games and who dressed in khaki pants and tucked in shirts. At the end of the video, the majority of the students in her class did not realize that the video was a parody, and were very confused. "Nuff said!"

As a final comment, I would like to point out that I actually think that this environment she is in is pretty cool where students value education, and they wear what they desire to wear, and they make that become fashion in their schools. I mean, I do find it odd that the most intelligent students show off about their grades in class, and they are encouraged to do so by other students and teachers, but I also think it is a an admirable and rare environment where education is valued. I like however, that my sister is capable of fitting in in this interesting environment, and also in a regular school where fashion and media are more valued. She keeps up with Teen Vogue, is the best hair stylist I know, has a great sense of fashion, knows her actors, and the news, and at the same time, is very hardworking when it comes to school work! I'm so so proud of her! :D

Bloody Cake Pops

I will now provide the directions for how to make the best cake pops ever, freak people out with an illusion of blood, and have a blast at the same time: 

1: Make Red Velvet cake from the cake mix boxes (even though everyone knows red velvet cake mix makes terrible red velvet cake)

2: Be a man and get your hands dirty and mix and mix and mix. (I recommend washing hands prior to this step, but that is optional depending upon taste.) 

3: Accept that you are probably decreasing your life expectancy, and add tons of whip cream. (Did anyone note the Teen Vogue on the table next to the large bowl? Just a random fact)

 4: Since you have accepted that life will be short, have fun by making a large ball of the mixture, and threaten to eat it without sharing with anyone. (Warning: this might lead to a large fight, which may or may not be acceptable to you.) 

 5: Appreciate the bloody look of your hands, and attempt to smile...

6: Convert the mixture into little balls, and freeze in the freezer for several hours. 

7: Dip in chocolate (hot fudge or frosting), and freeze for a while again. Then enjoy! Sorry, we were too impatient to take pictures during the final chocolate stages- but they were yummy!

Enjoy!! 

Debilitating Flaws

I have been thinking a lot about personal flaws and disabilities. I believe that we often allow flaws to define us, and we forget the other blessings we are given. I do not believe that life is unfair. It might seem that way, but I really believe that this universe runs on a particular balance of things, with many trade-offs. So if we have flaws in some areas, we also have several skills at hand that need to be used. But motivation, passion, and self-confidence are keys in whether we unleash our skills, or whether we allow flaws to define us.

I was watching Ted Talks about Beauty (on Netflix), and there was a beautiful quote that the speaker said which really applies here: "If we want to discover the full potential of our humanity, we need to celebrate those heartbreaking strengths and those glorious disabilities that we all have."

The speaker,  Aimee Mullins, does not have legs, so she wears different types of legs as fashion, and it has enabled her to bring a fresh perspective into what disability and fashion are.

I hope to use my flaws to understand myself and humanity in my own unique way, and hopefully use these, so called "flaws," to my advantage as well. After all, as Mullins says, "It is our humanity, and all the potential within it, that makes us beautiful."

And I totally think I (we as humans) am beautiful! ;)


I was watching other Ted Talks, and these are some really great quotes that I wanted to share:

"If you believe that you are beautiful inside and out, then there is no look you can't pull off. "

"I feel as though as little comfort as possible is a good thing you know..."

"If you do many things, you get to feel lousy about everything...you don't master feeling lousy about one thing."

"maybe that's where all the inspiration thing started from: puppets."


 Last thing:

I wanted to practice my urdu (my native language) because I am a terrible urdu reader, and instead of reading Bombay Mix, I read, boh-mah-ba-iii  mii-cuss. I couldn't stop laughing when I realized how badly I butchered those words!!


Well take care. I am so glad to be blogging again. My mind is exploding with things to share, but I was simply so busy with school and finals! Now that I am done, I can blog much more! :)

Fashionista Moments

I do not know why, but it is always so much easier for me to begin writing again after a while if I just share some outfits and crazy pictures. So the following are just pictures of me. As you can see, I ran out of purple and burgundy paint, so I only ended up painting about two-thirds of my room door. If you pay close attention, you can see the little feathers in my hair in the picture. There is a blue one, and two different shades of pink! The blue one came off because I tugged on it too much, but the two dark pinks are still there, and I think they add a bit of "spunk," to my look. And plus, dark pink goes with almost any outfit! :)  

 The next picture is just me showing off my blue contacts! I think they are fun. And yes, I know it is summer time, and that there is no logic to the winter hat. I just saw it on the shelf so I put it on because it looks really nice with the contacts.



The pictures with the enormous glasses were definitely goofy pictures. The glasses are actually 3D glasses from the theater with the 3D lenses popped out. I think they look really funny. I look odd. It is just that modern weird fads make people actually compliment me. If I wore those even one year ago, people would probably laugh at me. It is kind of funny how perceptions change so quickly right? And it was even more odd to me that after wearing those around the home just for fun, I actually started to like them on my face.

I wore the below dress to my religious center, and I really liked the eye make-up so I wanted to share it. I know everyone always has so many rules about applying eye make-up, and there are endless tutorials on youtube about how to apply eye make-up, but for me, I just have fun with it, and apply whatever colors I think will look good. I always choose dramatic over simple, because it keeps life much more fun.

 I wore the this white and gold outfit to the bacchanalia party at my school. I would not have been able to put this outfit together at all without my sister. She gets all the credit for it. She is tons of talent with costumes, and hair. The only thing I was responsible for was the make-up, and I kept it pretty casual. 

Yay to first blogpost after a very long time! I am hoping to write several more soon! :)

My Skirt Says

I am thinking more and more about my trip to Pakistan.

You know, I am so scared of hating it there. I really, really want to love my summer there- because it is my country.
The problem is that I feel like I have never been patriotic about anything, and I really want to be patriotic about something. I never have school pride, or Texan pride, or Houston Pride, or even American or Pakistani pride. I am never too excited about pep rallies, where you cheer one school/team and boo the other. It seems really silly to me. And I really think that if America became a dictatorship tomorrow, I would not mind moving to another country and making it my home.
I do not know what is wrong with me.
But I realized that for me, people and ideologies matter more. When I went to Emory to see my friends, I actually did not have the desire to go back to see my dorm, or classrooms, or anything. I was more interested in seeing my friends, and people I care about. Even I was surprised by this desire of not longing for a place simply because it is familiar.
This realization about myself scares me a lot. What if I hate the ideologies of Pakistani community? Don't get me wrong, I will always love the family I have there, and I will always love Pakistani food, and clothing. But what if the community is simply so ignorant or the ideologies simple so unaligned with my ideologies, that I cannot imagine being able to think or understand that manner of living? I am aware that an entire community cannot be judged due to some experiences, but I am worried about a prevalent ideology that you are forced to think about constantly.
For example, my friend was telling me how she wore jeans and a long shirt in the airport when going to Pakistan, and people were staring at her, and one lady even asked her to wear a scarf around her neck. I do not know, but I really cannot understand that concept. I mean what is so wrong with wearing a long shirt and jeans? Why is it that showing your ankle, or even your calf, or your elbow, or a little bit of your shoulder, such a bad thing? Why do people often think that the clothing you wear is a reflection of your being?

I know that you can tell a lot about a person's ideology by their clothing. If a person is fully covered, then generally they are probably conservative in their thinking as well. And if you see a woman in a headscarf- you can probably guess a little about her political views, and how they would be different from someone in a bikini. However, I would like to emphasize that that is not always the case.
I mainly wear very conservative clothing- no skirts without tights no matter how long, no shoulder showing at all, all my shirts are at least half sleeved, and yet my ideologies are relatively very liberal.
Just a random fyi: I am experimenting a bit with my conservative clothing and trying new things these days- because I think that I made up some rules a long time ago about what parts of my body to cover up, but I cannot seem to remember the logic behind the rules currently. And plus- wearing tights underneath a dress that is only about 5-6 inches shy of touching my ankles seems kind of silly!

But I am talking about what clothing says about your being. And the answer to that should be nothing. What I wear does not tell you whether I am a good or bad person at heart.
I know that sounds crazy- because clothing is supposed to be an expression of self. When dressing up- I think like an artist, who is putting something on a palette. And what comes on the palette of an artist is generally a reflection of their personality.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I would hate it if someone told me to cover up (by putting on a scarf for example), because not putting on the scarf does not make me a "bad," person, and by me not wearing a scarf, I should not be labeled as someone without culture or modesty. The definition of modesty has to be something personal. When religious books say be modest- I honestly take that to mean wearing enough clothing where you feel comfortable, and where you feel that your clothing is meant to represent your self, and where you are not wearing clothing with the sole purpose of seduction. 

But I gained another perspective when I had a discussion with a friend about this topic a while ago, where I was afraid of people judging me because of what I was wearing. She said that you should dress not only according to what makes you comfortable but also according to the environment or area that you are in. Her perspective is that how you look does create an image of you, whether you like it or not.
I hate to admit it- but she is right. Plus, I would not want to insult a culture by wearing clothing that would offend someone.

But the thought seems a little silly to me. Is it a requirement of society that we wear different masks according to where we are? Should I not be allowed to "be myself," wherever I am? Shouldn't people give me the benefit of the doubt- and get to know me and my thoughts before judging me simply due to my clothing?

And now I will say something that will make me sound like a hypocrite: I will be wearing conservative clothing in Pakistan. There are several reasons for this:

• First of all, unfortunately, I really do not want my relatives to hate me or judge me. I want them to at least give me a chance. I have felt like I am really missing a part of me because I was away from my family. I want to be a part of my extended family- not just a random visitor.

• I really want to fit in there, and feel like I belong there. Is it so terrible to want to belong to a place where you are supposed to belong?
• I also really do not want to get kidnapped because I obviously do not look like a Pakistani. 
• Of course, these are my preconceived notions of the society, but I really do not want to have to defend myself there in front of some crazy extremist Muslim who thinks that even showing my cheek or eye is against Islam. 

Is it also too terrible to admit that if I do come across such an extremist, I will probably just consider the person to be too stupid for me to worry about. I know that saying someone is stupid is not a wise thing to say- and there are many things you can say to refute my statement- but I just ever imagine myself being able to understand the exact logic of that person. Well I lie- maybe I might be able to understand how they managed to adopt that logic- but I can never find that logic to be true.

Can it be possible that genetics defines how liberal you are? I know that seems like a silly question, but I am having such a hard time imagining an alternate reality where due to my environment, my ideology is very, very conservative. I suppose I am quite arrogant in my thinking, but to me- very very conservative ideology just seems logically wrong. How can someone argue that a woman (and only women), should cover her entire body, including her eyes, nose, and mouth? How does that make any logical sense? I mean- sure- eyes are beautiful, and often people do fall in love with the eyes of a person, but to use that to imply that all eyes of all women should be covered up seems like a fallacy. I think people often use the shelter of religion to justify thoughts that cannot make sense.

However, I think God created beauty in humankind on purpose, and that beauty of humankind should not be hidden because of the fear that someone might find beauty in this object, which inherently is meant to be beautiful by God.
Often, I look at a friend of mine, and say, hey- she has such a beautiful smile, or really nice teeth, or really pretty hair. That smile, or beauty in the hair of my friend is just another thing that reminds me of the beauty of God and his creation. So how can God desire for me to not find beauty in something He created?

I guess what I learned from this blog is that I am very confused about a lot of the issues of dressing- and that I should probably spend more time in sorting out my thoughts. :)

I hope you all are having a great week. I have a very busy few days ahead of me, with finals and everything.
But I really missed writing, and this issue was something that I could not simply ignore while studying for my finals...

The Honest Awkwards

I guess I could not resist the urge to write.
I have been thinking and talking to a lot of my friends about conformity and protocol. It seems to make logical sense I guess. The general opinion seems to be that society works in a certain way, and it is not exactly conforming and losing your uniqueness if you decide to live within that system. What I mean by protocol is the meaning behind different gestures- where when someone says one thing, they actually mean something else, or rather simply certain expectations from people in society.
I find this to be an issue because it seems like there is double meaning behind every action. It is kind of frustrating- because it seems like a game with subtle hints. What frustrates me is that- why can I not communicate with a person with just honesty- just talk without a particular purpose?  And just because a person is talking to me in return- why does it have to imply anything?
There are some clear implications about our society due to the status quo. I think it means that we are afraid of being honest. I guess there is generally an ultimate goal of a conversation, and it is not "socially acceptable," to state that in the beginning. It seems like both parties want something generally from the other person, and both are aware of the other person's desire as well- but at the same time- we do not desire to admit it, and instead we prefer to keep guessing about every intention. There are several examples that come to mind in particular.
When a person I know was starting a new major project, his friend was very helpful, and did so much for him. And the whole time, the person I know could not figure out why the other person was helpful to him.
Another example is from Big Bang Theory, where a grad student was obsessed with Sheldon, and forced him to constantly do his work. She seemed like she just wanted to help him, because he was such a genius- but of course, she revealed in the end that she mainly wanted co-authorship in a paper he would write. 
And of course- the obvious example is generally of relationships- but the implications of that are obvious, so I would rather not discuss this topic.

And here in our conversation enter "awkward people." I think there is something very special about awkward people- because they defy the norm. They generally state things as is, and do not desire to play the intentions guessing game.
A perfect example of an awkward person action was seen in Beautiful Mind, a movie about the Economist John Nash. This is a perfect quote from the movie which describes exactly the topic: 
Nash to his girlfriend: "I find you attractive. Your aggressive moves toward me... indicate that you feel the same way. But still, ritual requires that we continue with a number of platonic activities...I am proceeding with these activities, but in point of actual fact, all I really want to do is have intercourse with you as soon as possible.

[pause] Are you gonna slap me now?"

You see- awkward people point out stuff that you are not "supposed" to point out. They realize that often social conventions do not have much logic in them. I have a lot of respect for people like that- because they always make me think about my actions. 

Another fun example is  something that one of my lab partners said. Unfortunately, I had forgotten my TA's name, and I did not want to be rude and not know his name. So I asked my lab partner if he could possible ask the TA's name. And  my lab partner replied- "why do you need to know his name. Just say- hey you, or something like that." It was such a priceless moment. 

 

But I am not so sure about which alternative I would choose. If we lived in a society without so much euphemism, and so many subtleties, and we were just honest all the time- I feel like I would not be strong enough to handle everyone telling me the truth about me. I guess this is another gray area in life- because there needs to be a balance of conformity, and uniqueness. 

On a random note: I was in physics lab with two awkward geniuses this Friday, and honestly- I felt so dumb- because they would discuss some complex physics thing, and then sit and ponder forever about it-while in my mind- I just tried to look cool as if I had any idea what they were talking about. I honestly remember thinking to myself- "what are they even thinking about?" 

Umm- I guess it is safe to say that physics is not my forte...